


Terrified

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-26
Updated: 2008-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-31 07:54:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Here in this town, safe and guarded.  We call it home, a feeling that we share.  Now leave this place, clinging to hope.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrified

He let the rain fall onto his head, grace his nose, and crash against his open-palm hands.  The drops just managed to reach his high cheekbones and occasionally one blurred his vision, but nothing serious.  He was on the edge finally, after so much contemplating, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop him.  He could already hear the sad song they’d play at his funeral and he wished that he could make his crying friends realize that he was happier now.  He didn’t have to suffer once he was gone.

 

It was sad, really, to see such beauty thrown away.  He had so many talents, so many gifts, but he didn’t care.  He just needed to be gone.  He couldn’t stand the brokenness anymore.  It was unbearable.  Because, despite his supposed greatness, he was crumbling on the inside; he didn’t feel loved, he didn’t feel special, and he certainly didn’t have anyone to take care of him and make the pain go away.  That was what was most important and even that couldn’t be fulfilled.

 

_Here in this town, safe and guarded  
We call it home, a feeling that we share  
Now leave this place, clinging to hope_

 

Zack held the photo in his hands, sighing as he replayed the scene in his head.  Brian and he were running playfully through the field behind their house, laughing and teasing each other.  They’d stopped briefly, out of breath, and collapsing to the ground.  Matt had decided to take a picture of them in each other’s arms, kissing lovingly.

 

He sighed heavier, letting the photo fall out of his numb fingers.  Brian was gone again.  He hadn’t seen him in a couple days and when he had finally come home, he’d disappeared only seconds after he walked in, mumbling something about not caring anymore.  He didn’t know where his Brian was, but it hurt him awfully that he was probably in danger and he knew not a clue about it.

 

_In this midnight prayer  
If we hold our breath, float beyond this  
We'll be reborn, I will carry us home  
  
_

He slowly dropped to his knee before flipping onto his butt and letting his legs dangle off.  He was waiting for the right moment, for the right chance to seize the adrenaline rush and just let go.  He’d been waiting for about ten minutes and he was beginning to tire.  He knew this was right, though.  This would make everything better.

 

His phone started to ring, and his face grew sadder as he saw the caller ID.  He didn’t answer it.  He couldn’t bear the thought of hearing his hurt voice, wondering where he was.  He waited for it to stop ringing before he threw it over the edge.  The splash made his heart skip a beat.  He was close.

 

_Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
Providence is blind when you're terrified  
  
_

Zack related the story to Matt, his body trained against the pain.  His friends couldn’t see the shaking, couldn’t hear the hitch in his voice, and definitely couldn’t predict when the breakdown would happen.  He’d become so skilled at hiding all the little hints from everyone so that they could concentrate on Brian and focus away from what it was doing to him.

 

This time, however, he couldn’t hold back.  He had this distinct feeling something terribly awful was due to happen.  He was absolutely terrified and his friends could tell.  They allowed Zack’s nightmares to get the better of him, and Matt drove his three friends to where Zack predicted his Brian would be.

 

_Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
When we've reached the end of the road  
I will carry us home  
  
_

He was ready.  There was only one thing holding him back now.  He was fiddling with the ring on his finger that his angel had given him on their third year anniversary.  It was seven years today.  He couldn’t bear to throw it over the edge like he had with so many of his other precious possessions that he’d worn that day.  It was almost too much.

 

He sighed much like his boyfriend had earlier that day, and slowly put the ring back on his finger.  Everything else was meaningless.  The ring should be futile, but he couldn’t come to the sane conclusion that it could possibly be worthless.  It was his Zack’s, after all, his Zack’s gift.  There was no way it could be seen as something so despicable.

 

Then again, he _was_ wearing it.

 

_Oh no, if all our sin was only a hope  
And meaningless and true  
Now will I expire holding the world_

 

Zack pointed to a specific spot on the bridge, causing Matt to pinch the bridge of his nose.  He’d tried to tell his rhythm so many times that Brian was safe at home by now and that he’d just had another one of his spells.  Zack wouldn’t believe him.  He consistently berated Matt into believing his Brian was in danger and they had to save him.  He had even gone so far as to _promise_ Brian wasn’t okay.

 

Zack’s behavior was quite unlikely that day.  He was extra sensitive and superstitious.  He was terrified of every nightmare day dream that haunted him.  He couldn’t handle the thought of even the _possibility_ of losing his Brian, never mind the event actually _happening_.

 

_In safety for you_

_If we make it through and I can save you_

_With this heart I know_

_I will carry us home_

 

He was finally okay with the fact that he was going.  He could grasp the idea of death now, grab the bull by the horns, and was fully prepared to take the plunge over the edge.  The rain was still falling, harder now, and his clothes were sticking to him, so it wouldn’t make much of a difference in the end.  He’d end the same way he’d left.

 

He got ready, hands gripping the edge, preparing himself for the rocking and then the falling.  He slowly began shutting his system down, holding his breath, kicking out all thoughts, and draining his emotions away.  He was leaving, dying, and he wasn’t planning on coming back or feeling sorry for leaving.

 

_Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
Providence is blind when you're terrified  
  
_

They reached the bridge before long, Zack carefully combing through the different edges until he spotted his Brian sitting on one, leaning forward.  Matt let out a God-awful screech and slammed on the brake.  Thank gracious no one was on the road today.  Zack ripped open his door and sped out into the torrential rain, his friends close behind him.

 

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen the signs.  It was all so clear, and, yet, he hadn’t been able to realize that Brian was hurting so bad he would contemplate suicide.  He screamed his stage name on accident, but he could have been shouting to a deaf person.

 

_Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
When we've reached the end of the road_

_I will carry us home  
  
_

He thought he heard something, but he dismissed it.  It was just the wind trying to play tricks on his disappearing mind.  He could feel his lungs burning, and he liked that.  He liked inflicting pain on himself.  That was why he had endless marks on his arms and legs.  That was why there were bruises everywhere and marks from elastics too tight.

 

He heard it again.  This time, it wasn’t the accidental Syn.  This time, it was Brian.  He turned, slightly, just barely moving his chin over his shoulder to see his Zack sprinting toward him.  How had he found him?  This was impossible now.  He lost the adrenaline, but his breath was gone.  He was dying regardless of not being able to take the plunge over the edge now.

 

_And now I'm so far away from you  
Will I be making any difference after leaving you all alone?  
And now I'm so far away from home  
  
_

Zack screamed his name repeatedly, his real name, as he watched Brian fall back onto the stone.  He vaulted over the railing and fell down on his knees on the small platform next to his baby.  He made sure he was breathing before he let out a great cry and laugh at the same time, turning his face upward and thanking God for saving his love.

 

_Can I justify my actions after leaving you here in this town?  
Safe and guarded, we call it home  
A feeling that we shared  
  
_

The rain fell hard on his exposed face, his unconscious soul relishing in the feeling of life.  He skin trembled at the touch of a fond human being, and he no longer felt the need to hate.

 

_Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
Providence is blind when you're terrified  
Are you still alive?_

_Are you scared inside?  
When we've reached the end of the road_

_I will carry us home_


End file.
